You know, fellow interenetters, I’ve been thinking about proverbs lately, and how terrible they are. Seriously, when was the last time you heard about someone who turned their life around when a bored friend ran out of things to say and started blaring platitudes in their direction? Never, that’s when. Never. So, fellow cyberspacers, I will be talking about a few of them today.

1. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

What if you beat up your friend, and they said they’d only forgive you if you kicked a kitten? I’m not saying this will happen, I’m just proposing a scenario. And then when you tried to kick the kitten, the kitten, in its anger at being kicked, discovered its latent psychic abilities but stopped itself before it did anything to your foot, which you were kicking it with? And then the kitten blasts off into the night, swearing to use its newfound powers to for the forces of good? And then you tell your friend what happened to your kitten when you tried to kick it but he says it’s fine, it still counts? And now you’re on good terms with your friend and there’s a psychic kitten defending justice in the world. Everybody wins.

2. The pen is mightier than the sword.

You ever tried to kill a guy who had a sword with your pen, proverb? It sucks. You get stabbed a lot.

3. Honesty is the best policy.

What about ‘Don’t kill everyone’? That’s a good policy. Probably a better policy, really.

4. No man is an island.

Wow. Alright, that's the most insensitive thing I've ever heard. Are you trying to make my friend Tom the island-man cry, proverb? Are you? I actually went and told him about this, but all he did was send me a stiff breeze and had a crab bite my foot. Then a wild boar chased me through the jungle for a while, so I think he's angry at me about something.

5. When in Rome, do as the Romans.

I've had to actually look up what the tail end of this sentence was. Most people kind of trail off in the middle of it, like they've had an epiphany mid-sentence about how to somehow eat a caramel apple without coating yourself so thoroughly with caramel that you look like the Creature Of The Delicious Lagoon.

Also, I would like to point out Ezio Auditore da Firenze, the Italian Batman star of a series of Assassin’s Creed games. In AC: Brotherhood, he actually lives in the actual Rome.

Ezio wanders around in crowds of regular-looking roman fellows, decked out in his assassin outfit with a sword, crossbow, dagger, pistol, poison darts, throwing knives and other deadly crap hanging from his Utility Belt like it’s no big deal. He doesn’t give a flying fladoodle whether he intrudes upon the peace of the perturbed, mustachioed guards. He wantonly stabs people whilst the guards look on dispassionately, talking to each other about guardy things, like how they grow their sweet moustaches, and whether they’ll go bully some random peasants later, and what good shots they all are.

Then, when whatever corrupt aristocrat Ezio has chosen to exterminate today falls dead, the guards are like, “Holy crap! Someone killed that guy! WHO COMMITTED THIS FOUL DEED?”

At any given time when playing as Ezio, with his hood and his half-cape and his bejeweled belt and his red-and-white skort and his giant conspicuous knife bracelets, you are probably standing next to two peasants wearing potato sacks and sandals. To say he sticks out like a sore thumb would be an insult to the reconnaissance abilities of a sore thumb. He sticks out like a sore thumb, wearing a rainbow wig, that is on fire, in a crowded movie theater screaming about how it is on fire.

But if you literally just stand next to your potato-sack-wearing companions, the stormtroopers-of-another-name don’t give you a second glance. So instead of doing as the Romans do, if you want to wear a multicolored robe and carry around enough murder-gear to supply a medium sized platoon of serial killers, that’s cool too.


jack on February 19, 2014 at 08:26 said:

thanks, people! I always like the support.

Meems on February 19, 2014 at 02:55 said:

Love your site! Hilarious!!

Teri and Stuart on February 19, 2014 at 04:48 said:

Your site is incredible. It made us laugh so hard!! We can't wait for you to entertain us some more. Get cracking, boy! ;^D

Beaner on February 18, 2014 at 10:40 said:

u r funny

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